Newsom says syringes strewn across California cities are due to high vaccination rate


SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California has come under heavy criticism for the dirty needles and piles of poop that litter its major cities like Los Angeles and San Francisco. But Gov. Gavin Newsom has a different opinion, saying the syringes lying around in the streets of metropolitan areas are due to the state’s high vaccination rate.

Newsom made the claim during a press conference held outside one of his homes today.

“It just shows that more people are getting the hit,” Newsom said in the speech. The press conference kept moving, however, as the cameramen informed him that there were bums pooping in the background and shooting heroin. Finally, he was able to resume against a green 1950s Hollywood backdrop. “See how beautiful and serene our cities are? Other backward places like Texas and those other Southern states don’t have needles hanging everywhere, because nobody gets vaccinated. They spoke out against SCIENCE.”

Newsom praised Californians for choosing SCIENCE. A tramp then passed, having somehow broken into the building. He was carrying a box of syringes and various sachets of powdery substances. “See? Look at this man here. What a hero! Take the initiative to vaccinate himself and distribute the vaccine to his friends. We need more of this in the world.”

The press conference was cut short because the building ran out of electricity.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth – uh, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Council – detained him for questioning. Will he be strong in the face of torture?

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